Merry Christmas

[CaptainHenreh]

I got a Sony 50 inch LCD TV for my basement. My dad couldn't wait to give it to me and my brother.

I got Julie as many goodies as the budget would allow. When mom saw Julie's "surprise", she practically squealed like a little girl. I hope Julie has the same reaction.

Interesting story though. Mom sent me to the mall today (!!!) to get this herbal back-pain-reliever or some thing. Smelled like rancid potporri.

Or something. I dunno. It was being sold by those creepy gypsy carny "Wood joo lyk to feeeyl sumtheeng gool?" guys that have the weird DIY abortion head massager thing. I refer, of course, to this:

The Octo-Brain-Sucker-9000! (They call it, I shit you not, the "Octomassager. Considering this thing has like, 20 legs and the "octopus" only has four, someone really needs to study the "octo" greek/latin root.)
For the past three months these guys have been accosting Julie at the mall, and I always move between them and her to sort of run interference against the "Would you like to feel something cool"-let-me-put-this-creepy-fucking-thing-on-your-head sales pitch.

No, thank you, she feels cool things all the time. From her Husband. Her husband with a 12 gauge. That would be Me.

So this thing is fifty freakin' dollars, and mom sends me with 25, because that's what they offered it to her yesterday for. Why she didn't buy I don't know. So I'm looking at this thing, and this creepy Romany guy is all like 'Yes, yes, fifty dollar.' And I'm like, there is no way I'm paying that. And he says "I give you TWO octopus massager! Here! Hold bag!" so he thrusts this bag in my hands and tosses in one of these battery operated "personal massagers"* and says, "Now you buy." And I'm like "25 dollars." He says, "Fourty Dollars" and tosses in another (vaguely creepy) massager thing. It says "Octopus" on the box, and definitely has eyes, but only four legs. Strange. And I'm like "Twenty Five." and I even get the cash out, a Jackson and an Abe. So he says "Twenty nine", though I can barely understand him, it sounds like a sneeze.

(*- although it could probably be used "Like That" by an enterprising and lonely lady...I just can't see it.)

Now, what do you do in this situation? You can't walk. You're on a mission. And they offered it to mom for 25 yesterday, and they probably did everyone else, because they've only got 2 left...I'm in a corner. I say "25" again, but the guy knows he's got me. He grins and says "Twenty Nyyne." So I say "Fine. Do you take Visa?"

Then, at the checkout, the checkout lady says "Two of deez, five dollar!" Referring, again, to the magic OCTOPUS!
"A fun way to massage away aches and tension" the box says. "Invigorating massage action with or without motor turned on!" It also says, in no uncertain terms, that it is NOT a medical device. All it's missing is a kung-fu grip. I shake my head no, but she shoves them in the bag and fines me another five dollars. Did I say fine? I meant charge. "You'll Love Me! You'll want to take me to everywhere...gym, office, home." OK, Cthulu-Massager.

So I ended up with four octopus massagers and a weird herbal stress reliver thing for the princely sum of 36 dollars after tax. And that is the tale of my Christmas Quest 2005.

Also, for the record, the website I scored those pics from has each "Octopus" for 24.95, which I got four of, but the herbal back wrap for only 24.95 plus shipping. Any way you cut it, I probably got ripped off by cheap taiwanese substandard shit.