Project Green Hell: 1995 BMW 325i/4/5 Sport

[Jake]

Lemme tell you all a funny story. It's not really that funny.

So I went for state inspection last Saturday, because it expired in March and suddenly it wasn't March anymore. Whoops. Took it to "Mr. Tire" at the end of Monument and 29, because they are very close to our apartment (this is key for a few paragraphs from now). Dudebro said everything looked great, except my front tires were down to 1/32nd. State law says 3 is safe. Earned myself a big ol' fail.

Asked the inspector if I could bring the car back with different front wheels/tires that would pass, and if he cared about mis-matched sizes of things. He said nope, so long as tread was good I would get the sticker.

So I call my buddy Rodrigo, who is perpetually owning kinda ratty E34s, and ask if he has any spare wheels I could borrow for oh, an hour. He comes over with two spares from his old and current E34s. They are 15's, with ancient tires (never used though, so full tread) that are most certainly dry-rotted. The wheels don't quite fit on the E36... wrong offset... but they'll do.

While Rodrigo was on his way over, I decided, "self, it's a great time for a quick oil change!" and started working on that. The drain bolt wasn't coming out though, just spinning in place. Now, anyone with a brain would have found a flathead screwdriver, applied some pressure to get it on the threads, and backed the bolt out. I looked at David, said "gimme my impact!" and impacted that bitch off of the oil pan. Except I only impacted the head of the bolt, and the body of it stayed firmly in said oil pan.



As I began to enter "aw-fuck-I-gotta-order-an-oil-pan-maybe" mode, Joey informed me that the drain bolt is hollow and designed to break as it does for just this reason. Thankfully, we have a "stuck screw back-out kit" or whatever it's called, and Joey was able to get the bolt out in a few minutes. Quick trip to BMW of Fairfax for a new bolt/crush washer and we were in bidness. Except now it was too late to get re-inspected with my muddin' tires up front.

I left the correct wheels on the car and went to an early dinner with Rodrigo and Joey, at which Rodrigo bought us margaritas as a thank-you for all the help we've provided on his E34. This was at 5.

I then showered and left to pick a friend up, with the goal of meeting others in Clarendon for some dranks and crappy Top-40 music. This was at 9. He lives over near Tysons, and I near Fairfax, so I didn't want to take 495 and perhaps get stuck in traffic. Took a back way through Vienna, was looking for the street to make my next turn on, and neglected to notice I was going 40 in a 25.

A nice officer of the law, however, kindly informed me that I was doing such. He also asked about the failed inspection sticker - and was nice to inform me that A) I should not drive on it and B) he wouldn't ticket me for it. He also gave me directions to my friend's place, which were very helpful. As he's giving me my license/registration back, he goes, "now are you sure you can make it to your friend's house?"

"Um... yeah, I think so! You gave me really good directions, and I know where I am once I'm in Tysons, so I should be okay."

"No, I mean... your eyes are bloodshot and I can smell alcohol on your breath. I'm not gonna do all the tests, but have you been drinking?"

At this point in my head, I was like "ohwhatthefuck"

"Well sir, I had two drinks at dinner, but that was at 5... I'm on some medication that really dehydrates me, and I have awful allergies though, so the redness is probably from that."

He let me go, and I was in NO way inebriated. The smell was probably because oh, I dunno, tequila smells pretty strong. I couldn't smell or taste it four hours later, though.

Anyway, I put the muddin' tires on the car on Sunday:



Took it Monday morning for re-inspection, got my sticker, and promptly put the other wheels back on. But I have more tread up front now, so it's set up for oversteer. I dislike the wheels on the car, so I won't buy new rubber for two of them. Thus, the hunt for wheels with decent tires on them begins.

</saga>

Oh, and I think my front shocks are blown and I need new mounts. Whoop de freakin' do. I'll get to it soon. Maybe.